The Begining!

 How do I even begin? I never would have thought of being a blogger, and in all honesty I wouldn't be had I not bumped into some real frikin' wisdom in my late 20's. Mainly cuz I was pregnant so I couldn't just drink my thoughts away. Ugh it was a struggle. But I do think God knows why he does things. See I got pregnant as my husband had finally been accepted into a law inforcement program, we already had very energetic two year old, I worked full time and we were renting an apartment on the second floor. I say that because living on the second floor is no problem unless you are dealing with a pandemic, a new born and a two year old. 

To make matters worse our relationship was super rocky, I was a pregnant emotional mess and we were constantly fighting. I ended up giving birth during the second week of quarantine. It was a rough time!

I was almost completely alone. My husband attended Police academy.My mom and mother in law were the only people around us for the first 2 months after coming back from the hospital. I was an emotional mess. I had therapy through Zoom. My baby had a severe lip and tongue tie which made breastfeeding hard and painful. I had to teach him how to suck correctly through Zoom videos with a physical therapist which I was very thankful for but along with the lack of sleep and energetic two year old I was also frustrated and overwhelmed.

I suffered from post partum depression and anxiety. As soon as I knew I was going to be left alone with both of the kids I would get an anxiety attack. I didn't say this to anyone at first but I would go to the bathroom and cry. I prayed to God that he would take me out of the bad feeling I was having and make me happy. I wanted to connect with my baby but I couldn't. I wanted to be happy for the little life God had given me and I wasn't. I kept telling God that I was sorry I was ungrateful but I felt so bad that I couldn't feel any other way. 

My mom saw me going through all of this and she would take my oldest and watch him any chance she could. She was so concerned for me and the baby. She knew how bad PPD can get and kept checking up on me. One day I laid in bed trying to sleep while the baby was sleeping. My mom took my oldest so I could get some sleep. My tiny baby was about two months old. I kept looking at him and thinking he would be better off with someone who could love him more then I could. Then I cried for having that thought. How could I think that? He was so perfect and healthy. He was beautiful, smily and just perfect!

I got up and called my mom, I told he I was going over because I was very depressed and was scared to be alone. I felt I couldn't trust myself to be alone, not for his sake but for mine. I felt like such a horrible person. I tried to get on antidepressants but it would take a day to get them and I wanted to feel better now. 

Once again at my moms house I tried to sleep but barely could. I decided,  as I listened to my mom and aunt talk about how worried they were about me that I wouldn't get on antidepressants. I knew that if God put a challenge in my life it was so that I could overcome it and be stronger. I started listening to YouTube videos that would uplift me and began working out by walking around our apartment complex. I was trying to rewire my brain with all the good stuff. I listened to Les Brown, Tony Robbins, Impact Theory, anything that would make me see how good my life was.

My husband at the time was trying his hardest to keep his focus on his work. I was so angry at him at the time. I wanted to leave him. We didn't know how to deal with eachother or our situation. It was such a rough patch in our lives. He was trying to do something that was so hard, challenging and important for him.I wanted to be supportive but I was so angry that I wasn't getting the support I needed. Honestly no matter how much support I would have gotten it wouldn't have helped the internal fight happening inside me.

It has taken more then a year for me to get to a comfortable place, it's taken me believing in myself, the help of friends and family and a lot of praying to get me here. It's taken therapy, on my own and as a couple, many talks with my girls and me trusting my abilities as a mother.

Mama's if you are struggling right now it's ok. There will be a time when you will look back at this terrible time and feel grateful because if you could get through that, you can do everything else. Liberate yourself from thinking you "should" be this or that kind of mom, the is no one type of kid. Your kids love you, the put together you and the messy bun half a sleep you.

I began this blog for you. All of you that are struggling. I want to help, it's in my nature to help and it's what makes me feel more alive. So if you are reading this I hope you know you will get through this. 

HELPFUL ADVICE 

Get help. You are not ment to do this on your own.

Dance!!! Play your favorite tunes and dance throughout the day.

Sing your heart out!

Talk to close friends and family about how you feel. 

Get a lot of sun and outside time.

Think about it in terms of time. How much is a year or two months in the span of a lifetime? It's nothing, like a small glimpse of time. It will pass and better things and times will come. 

Love all the good moments, every time things go well treasure it, remember it and be present for it.

Wishing you the best,

B.