Before I begin I have to give you some of my background information. This info will allow you to see why I lived for many years believing a was a "normal feminine woman" when I was living my life in my masculine energy. I knew something was off, I knew I wanted to be lovable, I desired acknowledgment and attention but I didn't know how to get it. Many woman feel this way, yet they hide it because of the fear someone will view them as weak of show offs. That is why I am sharing this life lesson with you.
I am the oldest of two daughters. My mom was a single mom most of her life. We moved to Colorado from Mexico in 1996. I was 6 and my sister was just 9 months old. At first we came to visit my aunt who had been living here several months at the time, then when my mom found a job she decided we would have better life here. So far she's been right. But it wasn't an easy road for us. My aunt and uncle helped us tremendously whenever we needed but ultimately we were on our own. At least I kind of was. My mom worked multiple jobs to make ends meet and I was in charge of watching over my sister and translating EVERYTHING! Meaning calling to make payment arrangements when necessary, filling out paperwork, calling the landlord when we had problems, setting up insurance policies, you name it. That was my job. I became my mom's right hand. I was like Chiquis and Jenny Rivera (If you don't know who that is it's ok she was a Mexican artist)
I did all of these things from the time I was 9 yrs old till now. At the age of 14 I started working and a little after that the US went into a recession. My mom lost her jobs and fell into a depression. I went to high school full time and worked two jobs to help pay some of the bills. I was responsible for the electricity, the gas, car insurance and anything that was mine, including my braces. I think this paints a picture of why I lived for many years in my masculine energy. I had no one and nothing to fall back on. We had to keep going and figure things out, I had to help my mom because it was just us three.
So for many years I took on the role of "a man". I worked hard and played hard. I had my own car, my good paying jobs my own money. I was independent and resourceful. At the age of 17 I got married to a very kind and caring boy. I say boy because he was almost four years older than me and he was to my standards irresponsible and immature. I once again took on the role of the man in the relationship and needless to say it didn't last. I was bossy, controlling and insensitive. I wanted him to be the man and lead but I never allowed him to do it. I didn't think he could. In the end he was and continues to be a great man and I thank him for the life experience.
I kept going through my life with that same masculine energy. I remember my uncle saying no man was staying with me because THEY had nothing to give. I was "too independent and that scared many men off" I just thought they were wussies.
After I had my first child I realized I had to let go and depend on my husband. This was super hard for me because it went against every fiber or my being. I hated it! we often fought over it. I wanted more control so that meant I worked twice as hard. I paid a fair share of bills and also wanted things at home to be to my standards. I was driving myself and him crazy. Mind you he comes from a financially secure home and had his first job at 18. So it was a learning curve for him too.
During my second pregnancy I was really into listening to scripture. On my way to work I would listen to sermons on Youtube. I found pastor Myles Munroe and bishop T.D. Jakes and what they said about the role of woman in marriage and society changed my life. I began to understand why my relationships had been so hard. I began to find more and more information about what makes a woman and how she is very different from a men. I began to value my sensibility, my ability to care, my softness and warmth. I started to embrace playing "girly" music, listening to R&B, dressing in multiple colors and fabrics. I realized the power in silence and also in being assertive but gentle.
I started listening to Dr. Michelle Daf who talks about having a feminine impression and the importance femininity has in our lives. In three days I had seen all of her videos. I could not believe I didn't know this! Why aren't more woman listening to this??
We are living through a time in history where men are not appreciated for their masculinity and woman are being told to take over the role of men. This isn't serving anyone. Both men and woman have feminine and masculine energies and we tap into them when we need to. However if you grew up in a home like mine you probably will live your life in masculine energy, and this is very frustrating to a hidden feminine woman because she doesn't want this role.
I lived much of my life angry and frustrated, having a need to control everything when I really just wanted someone to see my value and take care of me. I was hiding my needs to be loved, cherished and cared for because my responsibilities where overbearing and needed to be handled.
Once I learned to sit in my feminine energy everything changed. I learned to take things slow. To let my husband lead and have the faith and confidence that he would do what is best for us. I decided to stay home with my kids and focus on raising them and taking care of our family. I allowed my husband to be the provider and supported his work and I am so glad I did that. Now I have time to be a better mom, time so study my children and support them more. Now I have time to be more creative, time to make things, to cook better meals, to learn more.
Living in my feminine energy has given me a better quality life that I am so thankful for!
Wishing You the Best!
Warmly,
Brenda
Comments
Post a Comment